Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Vices and Loneliness... a recipe for death!

My vices wrap their wretched arms around me most tightly in loneliness. And loneliness wrings the life out of my heart like a soggy towel when my vices are tamed.

This is new information for me. I have been on a pursuit to tame my vices the past 3 months. In the meantime, I am just now noticing that my heart is experiencing a larger dose of loneliness. For some time I thought those two were unrelated. Just today I realized they are soul mates.

This revelation came simply because I asked, “Why?” Why am I so lonely these days? Why is my heart drained of life? Why am I so deeply disturbed when people cannot follow through with commitment and loyalty? Why?

My heart has a gaping hole in it that I’ve filled with vices for years. These addictions range from finite to fierce. From a seemingly harmless glance at forbidden fruit to mind numbing trips into fantasy to silly hobbies that pass the time and provide an escape route from the routine of life, they’re all the same. Food is one of those vices, and when it is digested, the hunger remains, even intensifies. The other vices work the same. When they are gone, the void manifests as an empty canyon, with me standing at the bottom screaming for a way out. I stand lonely staring at the top of the hole and waiting for a savior. I cling onto false saviors.

I’ve also come to realize as of late that no pilgrim on this planet can fully know me. My wife can know most of me, apart from those locked chambers that warn of danger if they are opened. My best of friends have access to some of those pits, but can never know the intimacy of marriage partners. Furthermore, if there was a single person who could fully know “about” me, he would still not be able to experience life in the clothing of history in which I walk. I’ve never before realized that I’m alone... apart from One! One knows me fully. One knows my experience. One has been with me from before the beginning.

I want to throw myself fully into One. It’s so intimidating. It’s so dangerous. It’s so seemingly intangible.

May I fall headlong into the reckless, raging fury that we call the Love of God!

Just a thought...

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