I really don't feel like talking about things, but it's a little easier to type. Thank you so much for your concern. I will be ok by the strength of the Almighty. I have decided that the best thing to do is to ignore my emotions. I've never dealt with anything so intense.
Yesterday did not surprise me at all. I was, however, absolutely freaked out and in despair. I hated missing the concert, but that was such a tiny part of the whole experience. I was driving home yesterday with Ron and I had this heavy impression, like an inner voice, say something like "You're not going to the concert tonight, the baby will not come today or tomorrow and you can't do anything about it". It was almost a taunting. I have felt for a while like Satan is toying with me, just playing games. I feel like he is putting me in a corner with things I can't do anything about and just standing back and watching with joy. There's so many examples, I'll give you a few.
1.) airport traffic @ 5:30am in Atlanta, nothing I could do but watch the time pass and miss my flight to sit there for 4 hours. I said that I got just as much done, but it really sucked if I would have been truthful. Satan robbed me of all that time and I could do absolutely nothing.
2.) The thing I looked most forward to last Saturday was saying good bye to all my new friends at our reception Saturday afternoon. That's really the one thing I wanted to do down there. When I got my clothes out to get ready I realized Julie had forgotten some of my clothes. That's so unlike her. I had to go shop for clothes and missed the one thing I went to do.
3.) The one hour speaker at graduation caused me to run late to the airport and I almost missed the flight again. My rental car was late and I had to pay an extra day while running all the way to the gate
4.) When I returned, the flight was ridiculously stupid. Everyone's seat was double booked and everyone started fighting about where they were going to sit. The stewardess began yelling at everyone. We left late.
5.) For some reason when we arrived in ATL they couldn't get our luggage to the pickup and it took almost an hour for me to get my bags. I missed the family so bad during my trip and graduation that all I wanted to do was see them at the airport where they had planned to meet me.
6.) I had called Julie before I left Orlando to let her know I would be there in an hour an a half. When I arrived in ATL I called her and she was casually shopping with Susan, which is ridiculously unlike her. She never ever fails to keep her word. She told me she'd be there in half hour. A half hour later I called her again and she was eating dinner and casually shopping at the same place. I asked her if she'd changed her mind and she said they just haven't left yet. I couldn't go home because Susan's car was running hot at the dealership where they picked up our van. I told Julie I'd meet her at the dealership, she said be careful, it's really sketchy. She said she'd be there in 30 minutes. I drove to the dealership which was in a very bad part of town and very sketchy. I sat in the dark alleyway waiting for her. In the meantime Jimmy had called me and I sat and listened for like 45 minutes as he pounded me over and over and over about the same things that I had apologized profusely for and told him I would fix the problem. He just kept going. Even after I explained to him I didn't have the emotional or physical energy to talk about this tonight since I'd been up since 5:30 AM running profusely. He didn't care in the least. When I said something about my dad, he said, "yeah, I called you and you didn't call me back" basically saying I'd done him wrong by not returning his sympathy call. Julie called after an hour in that parking lot and said she was lost. I told Jimmy I had to go b/c Julie was lost in ATL. It didn't phase him, he kept pounding me. That's when I gave up and just checked out.
7.) When they returned, I had to walk to a closed store and get water from around a dark alleyway. I put it in and the car was smoking like crazy. We had to stop every half mile to check it out. I had to drive it and hope for the best. It took like 2 hours more to get home.
8.) When I asked Adam about the car yesterday, he said it hadn't shown a single sign of having anything wrong since that night.
9.) Yesterday morning Julie and I got into this very difficult discussion that was impossible to resolve and I began my morning hurt, confused and defeated.
10.) All this led up to Satan saying to me, "you're not going to the concert, the baby is not coming and you can't do anything about it."
Ok, so, in the midst of all this, I hate myself because I have no excitement whatsoever about the baby coming. I am not ready. I simply wanted a week or 2 to have a normal family life before he came. If I could see into the heart of a man who was about to have a new baby and saw what is in my heart I would think he was the worst father and husband that's ever been. I am so angry with myself that I'm not ready. I can't believe there could be this much darkness in my heart. It seems like all I can focus on is myself no matter how much I try to give myself to Julie and the family. The concert last night was this massive emotional release, a form of deep rest that I feel like I have to have or I'll break. It was this massive symbol of God's rest for me. I can't really explain that in words and I don't understand it all, but it was the beginning of a short time of rest before the baby came. And when that was shattered, it wasn't as much about the concert as it was about defeat. And the enemy was literally taunting. Last night I literally told Julie that I could guarantee her without any doubt that the baby was not coming last night and there was absolutely no question in my mind. I knew it as clearly as I know my name. Satan told me.
I wouldn't tell many people this, but He is playing games with me. I know it. So, all I know to do is move on as if he had no effect on me.
As I struggle through all this, I can't figure out how much is grief and how much is spiritual attack. I think both are at work. I don't understand why my dad's thing threw me so badly. It should not have affected me like this. I should be bouncing back! I feel like I'm making this so much worse than it is, but I can't seem to make it better no matter how hard I try. As a matter of fact, the harder I try the crazier things get. I don't understand it. However, I have not lost hope. I know it will pass. So, I'd rather not talk about it at lunch. I need to have release and talk about normal stuff.
I can't tell you how thankful I am for all of my CONVERGE friends through this and you have been such a huge source of strength. If this is the only reason God kept you here, I'd be grateful forever!
Kevin
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